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101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant

And One Or Two Ways You Actually Can

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Con(tra)ception

There is only one way for a person to get pregnant without actually making an effort. During vaginal intercourse, at a time of the month when a woman is fertile:

  1. The man (probably) has to ejaculate*
  2. Sperm has to make it’s way through the cervix to find an egg
  3. The sperm and egg have to engage in the ultimate bonding experience – known as fertilization
  4. The fertilized egg has to implant in the uterus
  5. The body has to respond to the implantation by making the hormones necessary to sustain a pregnancy

… and all of it has to go perfectly. If you think about it, it’s absolutely amazing that 85% of women who are having unprotected sex will get pregnant within a year.

When you have vaginal intercourse, there’s no way to be sure of the outcome. You could get pregnant, you could get an STD, or everything could be just fine. It doesn’t matter if you’re a virgin. It doesn’t matter if you’re on your period. It doesn’t matter if you stand on your head or do jumping jacks until you fall over. If you have vaginal intercourse, pregnancy is a risk.

Fortunately, there are ways to adjust the odds in your favor. If you don’t want to get an STD, reduce your risk by using a condom. If you don’t want to get pregnant, use a reliable form of contraception.

Abstaining from vaginal intercourse is the only 100 percent effective way to avoid getting pregnant, but other forms of contraception can be reasonably effective as well. The chart below is stolen from The Guttmacher Institute.

% women who will become pregnant in their first year of use
Method Perfect use Typical use
Pill (combined) 0.3 8.0
Tubal sterilization 0.5 0.5
Male condom 2.0 15.0
Vasectomy 0.1 0.15
Three-month injectable 0.3 3.0
Withdrawal 4.0 27.0
IUD Copper-T 0.6 0.8
IUD Mirena 0.1 0.1
Periodic abstinence
Calendar 9.0 25.0
Ovulation method 3.0 25.0
Symptothermal 2.0 25.0
Post-ovulation 1.0 25.0
One-month injectable 0.05 3.0
Implant 0.05 0.05
Patch 0.3 8.0
Diaphragm 6.0 16.0
Sponge
Women who have had a child 20.0 32.0
Women who have never had a child 9.0 16.0
Cervical cap
Women who have had a child 26.0 32.0
Women who have never had a child 9.0 16.0
Female condom 5.0 21.0
Spermicide 18.0 29.0
No method 85.0 85.0
This table from The Guttmacher Institute – Accessed 7/22/09

Need an explanation of the columns in the table?

  • Perfect use refers to a contraceptive method’s effectiveness in people who use the method exactly as it is supposed to be used every single time they have sex.
  • Typical use refers the method’s effectiveness the way most people use it – missed or late pills, forgotten spermicide**, and all.

Take that as the warning for which it is intended. Unless you’re absolutely certain you’re going to be really reliable about using a method, base your expectations on the typical use column.

—

*There is a small amount of sperm in pre-ejaculatory fluid, but recent research suggests that there may not be enough to present a serious pregnancy risk. Still… I know that I wouldn’t risk getting pregnant on my partner’s ability to pull out in a timely manner or on the hopes that there wasn’t sufficient sperm in his pre-come. Condoms or other forms of contraception, in addition to withdrawal before ejaculation, are going to keep you much safer than withdrawal alone.

** Personally I think that nonoxynol-9 containing spermicide is nasty stuff. You won’t find me letting it anywhere near my sex life. There’s some evidence that it can increase the risk of STDs, and in my humble opinion it’s not such a good contraceptive that the trade-off is worth it.

2 thoughts on “Con(tra)ception”

  1. Pingback: In case you were wondering… « 101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant
  2. Pingback: PSA: Jumping Jacks Are Not Contraceptives « 101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant

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Disclaimer

This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

I Am Not A Pregnancy Test

Therefore, I will no longer be answering personal "am I pregnant?" questions on this site.

If you post your questions, I may still use them as a resource for posts, but this was always intended as a humor and educational site and not an advice site, so I will no longer be offering personal reassurance.

That having been said, one last piece of advice: If you think you might be pregnant, the best way to find out is to wait until you miss your period and take a pregnancy test.

Alternatively, if you've had vaginal intercourse without contraception in the past 72 hours, you can explore emergency contraception to try and interrupt the possibility of pregnancy. However, if you haven't had vaginal intercourse, you are unlikely to be pregnant. It's not completely impossible, but it's extremely unlikely.

Before you start having sex, or thinking about having sex, I highly recommend reading a copy of "our bodies, ourselves" or a similar book about your body so that you understand how sex and pregnancy work, and all the possible risks. If you don't know how sex can affect your body, you shouldn't be fooling around with it. Tell your boyfriends and your mothers that too

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