You can not get pregnant by drinking sperm

–

Semen is like a warm and not particularly tasty high-protein shake.

Drinking it won’t make you pregnant, but it could make you a bit nauseated…. so don’t down a cup of sperm every day before breakfast or you might mistake your queasiness for morning sickness.

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by drinking sperm:}

_{The way to a man’s heart may be through his stomach, but it’s only a metaphorical truth. If you look at the actual anatomy of the body, the heart isn’t actually connected to the stomach…. and neither is the vagina.}

When you drink something you either swallow it, in which case it goes through the digestive track and gets digested or someone scares the crap out of you and you spill it all over yourself. (I am ignoring the third possibility where you inhale instead of swallow and get whatever you’re drinking into your lungs.) In either case… you’re pretty safe from pregnancy

_{It is worth noticing that performing oral sex on a man without using a condom does put you at risk of several STDs – including syphilis, herpes, and gonorrhea. If you’re drinking your semen out of a shot glass… well, you have other problems and I probably can’t help you.}

You can not get pregnant from a cucumber*.

–
It doesn’t matter if you eat the cucumber, mash the cucumber up and give yourself a facial, or have really hot sex with the cucumber – vegetables can not get you pregnant.

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant with a cucumber:}

_{Cucumbers don’t have sperm. Without sperm, you can not get pregnant.}

For that matter, if a cucumber did have sperm (instead of seeds), it would be cucumber sperm and cucumbers and humans are incapable of cross-breeding. It would take some serious genetic engineering (or a lot of booze…) to make pickled people!

Technically speaking, I suppose that if a man hollowed out a cucumber, jerked off into it so that it was filled with his semen, and then fucked a woman with it, that it is possible that she could get pregnant… but it seems both like an awful lot of trouble and a waste of a perfectly good salad. Plus, it would still be the man getting her pregnant – not the cucumber.

*Someone asked. I swear!

You can not get pregnant by sitting on a toilet that happens to have a condom in it.

–

You can not even get pregnant by sitting on a condom directly. If there is semen inside the condom it is inside the condom, and even if some happens to be on the outside the odds of it getting anywhere pregnancy-inducing just by you sitting on it are pretty much nil.

Sitting on a toilet seat… that is above a toilet bowl… that contains a condom… and possibly also is full of the semen that has leaked out of the condom into the toilet water so that the sperm can swim around below you like a massive shiver of sharks waiting for the kill…

… is absolutely no risk at all.

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by peeing above the danger zone:}

_{Unlike dolphins and whales, sperm does not have the ability to leap from the water into your vagina.}

_{Okay. Technically speaking, whales and dolphins also do not have the ability to leap from the water into your vagina either, but they do at least have the ability to leap from the water. Sperm don’t.}

You can not get pregnant if someone pees in your mouth.

–

I really hope this isn’t what my mother was thinking about when she used to call me a “potty mouth”

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by imbibing filtered water straight from the pump:}

_{Urine doesn’t have sperm in it. Without sperm, you can not get pregnant.}

Even if urine did have sperm in it you couldn’t get pregnant by drinking it. The stomach is not connected to the uterus. There’s no way for the sperm to get where it needs to go, and even if it did, the sperm would be dead from the stomach acid before it got there.

*I wish I had made this question up, but I didn’t. Someone actually asked.