I am not a pregnancy test.

Therefore, I will no longer be answering personal “am I pregnant?” questions.

I may still use them as a resource for topics for articles on this site, but this was always intended as a humor and educational site and not an advice site.

That having been said, one last piece of advice:

If you think you might be pregnant, the best way to find out is to wait until you miss your period and take a pregnancy test. Alternatively, if you’ve had sex without contraception in the past 72 hours, you can explore emergency contraception to try and interrupt the possibility of pregnancy. However, if you haven’t had vaginal intercourse, you are unlikely to be pregnant. It’s not completely impossible, but it’s extremely unlikely.

Before you start having sex, or thinking about having sex, I highly recommend buying a copy of “our bodies, ourselves” or a similar book about your body so that you understand how sex and pregnancy work, and all the possible risks. If you don’t know how sex can affect your body, you shouldn’t be fooling around with it.

You can not get pregnant from petting a dog that may or may not have had the misfortune of lying in a bed covered with your brother’s ejaculate*.

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You also can not get pregnant petting a cat that may have been covered in semen… or a gerbil… or a fish.

Even if you go to the bathroom and wipe yourself afterward while you’re still covered in fish scales.

Even if by “pet” you mean that the animal in question curled up between your legs while you were lying there naked and you rubbed yourself all over it.

Um.

That was not your mother’s LOLcat

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_{Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by petting your pussy}

Sperm has to be alive to get you pregnant. Furthermore, it has to get inside your vagina, up through your cervix, and have a party with an egg.

If a dog or cat was soaked in enough semen to get your hand wet, you’d still have to shove it up inside your body and get really unlucky – you’re not going to get pregnant just by sperm touching your skin

That having been said, I can only hope that if your pet was covered with a strange slimy substance when you were petting it, you’d wash your hands before sticking your fingers inside your vagina. God knows I would. Semen would be the least of my worries.

_{*Yes. Someone asked. You can see the comment here}