You can’t get pregnant if your boyfriend cleans himself up with a tissue after he ejaculates, you pick up that tissue to throw it away, and a few hours later you go to the bathroom and wipe yourself. Not even if, in all that time, you haven’t washed your hands.

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For gods sake, though, if you’re going to go around picking up dirty tissues and throwing them away… WASH YOUR HANDS AFTERWARD. Eww. Better to leave them all over the floor until they dry out, get all crusty, and are no danger to anyone.

_{Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant from picking up a semen covered Kleenex (and then touching yourself hours later):}

_{It’s hard to get pregnant. The sperm have to make it through the vagina, get up into the cervix, and find an egg. Wiping the outside of your body with toilet paper held by a hand that happens to have been in the general vicinity of semen a few hours earlier just won’t do it. The semen, and the sperm it contains, have to get INSIDE your vagina.}

You can not get pregnant from a “facial”*

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*A “facial”, in this context, is when a man ejaculates on his partner’s face.

That having been said, cucumber salt scrub is also incapable of making a woman pregnant.

Plus, you shouldn’t eat it on your salad, no matter how good it smells.

Live and learn.

_{Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant from a facial:}

_{Sperm are not distance swimmers. The journey from your face, down your body, into your vagina, and then up through your cervix and into your uterus is simply beyond their endurance. It doesn’t even matter if you get semen in your mouth – there’s no direct connection to where they’d need to go to make you pregnant, and they’d never survive the journey through your stomach if there was. Sperm do not like acid. Given that the normal pH of the vagina is a moderately acidic 4, it takes all the buffering power of the semen for the sperm to survive long enough to make you pregnant as it is!}

_{To quote one of my favorite pieces of science writing…}

_{“Ascending the female genital tract… may be likened for the male gamete to a dramatic suicidal epos”-F.C. Chretien in “The Saga of Human Spermatazoa Throughout the Jungle of the Female Genital Tract.}

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You can not get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat.

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… unless there is a man underneath you on that toilet seat and you are having sex with him – vaginal intercourse, to be precise, where there are no condoms or other forms of birth control in use.

Personally, I think there are far more hygienic places to have sex than on a toilet seat, but if you’re going to do it… at least use protection. A good seat cover can save you a world of mess. (What? did you think I meant condoms? You should probably use those too.)

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by sitting on a toilet seat:}

1. _{The sperm has to get inside you, swim up through your cervix, and find a nice egg to cuddle up to. Unless you have installed an industrial strength vacuum cleaner in your uterus, it’s just not going to happen. The vagina is not designed to suck random objects up off the floor… or a toilet seat.}

You can not get pregnant if your partner has been using a condom correctly, it doesn’t break, and you’re on the pill.

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The sheer impossibility of it is kind of fun to picture. Imagine, if you will, a bunch of sperm banging their fists on the glass window of a really hip (get it?) bar. They’re guys! All they want to do is have some fun and meet some nice eggs, only they can’t seem to get through the door. The best part is the irony of the whole thing. Even if they could get in, they wouldn’t meet any hot eggs. They all stayed home to do their nails and watch reruns of Sex in the City.

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant if you have sex with an intact condom when you’re on the pill:}

1. _{The pill, assuming you’re taking it properly, and have been on it long enough, is preventing you from ovulating. Therefore, there is no egg around for the sperm to fertilize and make an embryo.}
2. _{Even if there were an egg, the sperm have to get into your body… they can’t do that from inside a condom.}