101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant – And One Or Two Ways You Actually Can

Are There Ways To Find Out if I’m Pregnant?

Posted on April 4, 2011August 22, 2022 by Elizabeth

To answer this question, which I receive with some regularity, I have prepared the following two lists:

Ten Ways You CAN NOT Find Out If You’re Pregnant

Ask the Internet
Ask your friends
Ask your parents
Ask a psychic
Wait to see if your period is one or two days late
Pee on a stick (see exception below)
Pee on a rabbit
Do anything else to a rabbit
Flip a coin
Have a Pap smear

Ten Ways You CAN Find Out That You’re Pregnant

Pee on a stick that is a pregnancy test*
Pee in a cup then use your urine for a home pregnancy test
Pee in a cup at a doctor’s office, which they will test for pregnancy
Give blood to your doctor so she can test for pregnancy
Give blood to a nurse so your doctor can test for pregnancy
Give blood to a nurse so she can test for pregnancy
Have a medical emergency, and get tested for pregnancy at the ER
Need an X-Ray and be unable to remember your last period, thus prompting your doctor to test you for pregnancy.
Have an ultrasound when you feel something kicking in your abdomen
Wait to see if a baby pops out of your vagina in approximately 40 weeks

_{*Note: Read the instructions on the test box. It takes several days/weeks before these tests will be able to determine if an act of unprotected sex has rendered you pregnant. You can not take them the next day. You can, however, take emergency contraception – and you should if you’ve had unprotected sex and do not want to get pregnant.}

#31

Posted on December 7, 2013December 7, 2013 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by being in the general vicinity of a guy who is masturbating. — This is particularly true if you are wearing underwear. The sperm can not magically fly through the air, sneak under the leg of your panties, and find their way into your vagina. Unlike many popular brands of…

A Quick Refresher

Posted on April 4, 2012April 4, 2012 by Elizabeth

Body Fluids That Can NOT Get You Pregnant Saliva Blood Sweat Tears Nasal Secretions Vitreous Humor Bile Cerebral Spinal Fluid Body Fluids That CAN Get You Pregnant Semen What About Urine?: The first, and sometimes second, time a man urinates after he has ejaculated (come), it is possible to find some viable (living) sperm…

#30

Posted on February 28, 2012 by Elizabeth

You can not get by putting your finger inside your body*. — Other things that you can put inside your body with no risk of pregnancy: A dildo or vibrator A pen A fruit or vegetable Someone else’s finger A tongue Alien artifacts In fact, the only things that you can put inside your body…

#29

Posted on February 10, 2012February 10, 2012 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by humping a pillow with your clothing on*. — You also can not get pregnant by humping a pillow with your clothing off. In fact, you can not get pregnant by humping any inanimate object, unless it is so coated in still-wet human semen that some can survive long enough…

#28

Posted on December 26, 2011December 26, 2011 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if you get semen on your hands, wash them thoroughly with soap and water, and then finger yourself. — Given some of the questions that I get, I want to congratulate the many of you* who have asked me this question for having a solid grasp of good hygiene. Thank…

PSA

Posted on October 21, 2011February 28, 2012 by Elizabeth

Giving a man a blow job, or masturbating him to orgasm, does NOT use up his sperm, and it is NOT a form of contraception. If you have sex with him afterwards, he can still get you pregnant.

#27

Posted on June 20, 2011 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by swallowing someone else’s saliva. — You could drink saliva by the gallon and while it might make you nauseated in a way that, theoretically, could simulate morning sickness, it would not make you pregnant. For the record: the simulation of morning sickness would be more accurate if you drank…

#26

Posted on January 22, 2011January 23, 2011 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by masturbating. — You can not even get pregnant by masturbating someone else. More importantly, if someone gives you a pregnancy test there is absolutely no way for them to know if you have been masturbating. Pregnancy tests are not masturbation detectors. Pregnancy tests are pregnancy detectors. People can also…

#25

Posted on December 2, 2010December 2, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if you give a guy a hand job, tissue off your hand, do a bunch of stuff, and eventually end up going to the bathroom and wipe yourself with your formally erotically charged hand – even if you aren’t holding a piece of toilet paper at the time. — Although…