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101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant

And One Or Two Ways You Actually Can

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Are There Ways To Find Out if I’m Pregnant?

Posted on April 4, 2011August 22, 2022 by Elizabeth

To answer this question, which I receive with some regularity, I have prepared the following two lists:

Ten Ways You CAN NOT Find Out If You’re Pregnant

  1. Ask the Internet
  2. Ask your friends
  3. Ask your parents
  4. Ask a psychic
  5. Wait to see if your period is one or two days late
  6. Pee on a stick (see exception below)
  7. Pee on a rabbit
  8. Do anything else to a rabbit
  9. Flip a coin
  10. Have a Pap smear

Ten Ways You CAN Find Out That You’re Pregnant

  1. Pee on a stick that is a pregnancy test*
  2. Pee in a cup then use your urine for a home pregnancy test
  3. Pee in a cup at a doctor’s office, which they will test for pregnancy
  4. Give blood to your doctor so she can test for pregnancy
  5. Give blood to a nurse so your doctor can test for pregnancy
  6. Give blood to a nurse so she can test for pregnancy
  7. Have a medical emergency, and get tested for pregnancy at the ER
  8. Need an X-Ray and be unable to remember your last period, thus prompting your doctor to test you for pregnancy.
  9. Have an ultrasound when you feel something kicking in your abdomen
  10. Wait to see if a baby pops out of your vagina in approximately 40 weeks

*Note: Read the instructions on the test box. It takes several days/weeks before these tests will be able to determine if an act of unprotected sex has rendered you pregnant. You can not take them the next day. You can, however, take emergency contraception – and you should if you’ve had unprotected sex and do not want to get pregnant.

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#31

Posted on December 7, 2013December 7, 2013 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by being in the general vicinity of a guy who is masturbating. — This is particularly true if you are wearing underwear. The sperm can not magically fly through the air, sneak under the leg of your panties, and find their way into your vagina. Unlike many popular brands of…

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A Quick Refresher

Posted on April 4, 2012April 4, 2012 by Elizabeth

  Body Fluids That Can NOT Get You Pregnant Saliva Blood Sweat Tears Nasal Secretions Vitreous Humor Bile Cerebral Spinal Fluid Body Fluids That CAN Get You Pregnant Semen What About Urine?: The first, and sometimes second, time a man urinates after he has ejaculated (come), it is possible to find some viable (living) sperm…

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#30

Posted on February 28, 2012 by Elizabeth

You can not get by putting your finger inside your body*. — Other things that you can put inside your body with no risk of pregnancy: A dildo or vibrator A pen A fruit or vegetable Someone else’s finger A tongue Alien artifacts In fact, the only things that you can put inside your body…

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#29

Posted on February 10, 2012February 10, 2012 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by humping a pillow with your clothing on*. — You also can not get pregnant by humping a pillow with your clothing off. In fact, you can not get pregnant by humping any inanimate object, unless it is so coated in still-wet human semen that some can survive long enough…

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#28

Posted on December 26, 2011December 26, 2011 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if you get semen on your hands, wash them thoroughly with soap and water, and then finger yourself. — Given some of the questions that I get, I want to congratulate the many of you* who have asked me this question for having a solid grasp of good hygiene. Thank…

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PSA

Posted on October 21, 2011February 28, 2012 by Elizabeth

Giving a man a blow job, or masturbating him to orgasm, does NOT use up his sperm, and it is NOT a form of contraception. If you have sex with him afterwards, he can still get you pregnant.

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#27

Posted on June 20, 2011 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by swallowing someone else’s saliva. — You could drink saliva by the gallon and while it might make you nauseated in a way that, theoretically, could simulate morning sickness, it would not make you pregnant. For the record: the simulation of morning sickness would be more accurate if you drank…

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#26

Posted on January 22, 2011January 23, 2011 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by masturbating. — You can not even get pregnant by masturbating someone else. More importantly, if someone gives you a pregnancy test there is absolutely no way for them to know if you have been masturbating. Pregnancy tests are not masturbation detectors. Pregnancy tests are pregnancy detectors. People can also…

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#25

Posted on December 2, 2010December 2, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if you give a guy a hand job, tissue off your hand, do a bunch of stuff, and eventually end up going to the bathroom and wipe yourself with your formally erotically charged hand – even if you aren’t holding a piece of toilet paper at the time. — Although…

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Disclaimer

This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

I Am Not A Pregnancy Test

Therefore, I will no longer be answering personal "am I pregnant?" questions on this site.

If you post your questions, I may still use them as a resource for posts, but this was always intended as a humor and educational site and not an advice site, so I will no longer be offering personal reassurance.

That having been said, one last piece of advice: If you think you might be pregnant, the best way to find out is to wait until you miss your period and take a pregnancy test.

Alternatively, if you've had vaginal intercourse without contraception in the past 72 hours, you can explore emergency contraception to try and interrupt the possibility of pregnancy. However, if you haven't had vaginal intercourse, you are unlikely to be pregnant. It's not completely impossible, but it's extremely unlikely.

Before you start having sex, or thinking about having sex, I highly recommend reading a copy of "our bodies, ourselves" or a similar book about your body so that you understand how sex and pregnancy work, and all the possible risks. If you don't know how sex can affect your body, you shouldn't be fooling around with it. Tell your boyfriends and your mothers that too

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#69: You can not get pregnant doing a sixty-nine.

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