#69: You can not get pregnant doing a sixty-nine.

Are There Ways To Find Out if I’m Pregnant?

Posted on April 4th, 2011 by Elizabeth

To answer this question, which I receive with some regularity, I have prepared the following two lists:

Ten Ways You CAN NOT Find Out If You’re Pregnant

  1. Ask the Internet
  2. Ask your friends
  3. Ask your parents
  4. Ask a psychic
  5. Wait to see if your period is one or two days late
  6. Pee on a stick (see exception below)
  7. Pee on a rabbit
  8. Do anything else to a rabbit
  9. Flip a coin
  10. Have a Pap smear

Ten Ways You CAN Find Out That You’re Pregnant

  1. Pee on a stick that is a pregnancy test*
  2. Pee in a cup then use your urine for a home pregnancy test
  3. Pee in a cup at a doctor’s office, which they will test for pregnancy
  4. Give blood to your doctor so she can test for pregnancy
  5. Give blood to a nurse so your doctor can test for pregnancy
  6. Give blood to a nurse so she can test for pregnancy
  7. Have a medical emergency, and get tested for pregnancy at the ER
  8. Need an X-Ray and be unable to remember your last period, thus prompting your doctor to test you for pregnancy.
  9. Have an ultrasound when you feel something kicking in your abdomen
  10. Wait to see if a baby pops out of your vagina in approximately 40 weeks

*Note: Read the instructions on the test box. It takes several days/weeks before these tests will be able to determine if an act of unprotected sex has rendered you pregnant. You can not take them the next day. You can, however, take emergency contraception – and you should if you’ve had unprotected sex and do not want to get pregnant.

#31

Posted on December 7th, 2013 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by being in the general vicinity of a guy who is masturbating.

This is particularly true if you are wearing underwear. The sperm can not magically fly through the air, sneak under the leg of your panties, and find their way into your vagina. Unlike many popular brands of maxi-pads, they do not have wings. They also do not have access to either small aircraft or a transporter beam.


Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by being vaguely near a source of semen

In order for you to get pregnant, live sperm have to be able to swim up into your body, make their way up through your vagina, cervix, and uterus, head into your fallopian tubes, find an egg, and fertilize it. However, in order to be able to swim up there, they have to be vagina adjacent. They can’t jet over from across the room, put on tiny scuba gear, and go for a dive.

Therefore, while there is some possibility that you could get pregnant from a guy ejaculating onto your vulva, there is no risk of pregnancy from him ejaculating somewhere else in a room that you happen to share… unless that someplace else is “inside your body.”

A Quick Refresher

Posted on April 4th, 2012 by Elizabeth

 

Body Fluids That Can NOT Get You Pregnant

  1. Saliva
  2. Blood
  3. Sweat
  4. Tears
  5. Nasal Secretions
  6. Vitreous Humor
  7. Bile
  8. Cerebral Spinal Fluid

Body Fluids That CAN Get You Pregnant

  1. Semen

What About Urine?: The first, and sometimes second, time a man urinates after he has ejaculated (come), it is possible to find some viable (living) sperm in his urine. However, sperm do not survive well in urine for a number of reasons, and therefore the risk of becoming pregnant from urine is essentially zero. Theoretically, it might be possible for a woman to get pregnant if:

  1. The man peeing had recently ejaculated.
  2. He was peeing onto your vagina.

However, I do not know of any reported pregnancies that could be linked to such behaviors. It seems highly doubtful that such an event would lead to pregnancy, but I suppose it is theoretically possible. In any event, you do not have to worry about pregnancy from urine that is being splashed up from a toilet.

Sources:
Engelbertz F, Korda JB, Engelmann U, Rothschild M, Banaschak S. Longevity of
spermatozoa in the post-ejaculatory urine of fertile men. Forensic Sci Int. 2010
Jan 30;194(1-3):15-9.

#30

Posted on February 28th, 2012 by Elizabeth

You can not get by putting your finger inside your body*.

Other things that you can put inside your body with no risk of pregnancy:

A dildo or vibrator
A pen
A fruit or vegetable
Someone else’s finger
A tongue
Alien artifacts

In fact, the only things that you can put inside your body that carry a risk of causing pregnancy are a penis that is attached to a fertile man or a semen delivery device such as a turkey baster or syringe (… and those things only if they actually have semen inside them.)


Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by sticking things other than penises into your vagina:

It’s not the vaginal penetration that gets you pregnant, it’s the biological alchemy of sperm meeting egg. In order for someone to get pregnant, sperm need to be present – usually in the form of ejaculated semen.

*Once again, this was a real question.

#29

Posted on February 10th, 2012 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by humping a pillow with your clothing on*.

You also can not get pregnant by humping a pillow with your clothing off.

In fact, you can not get pregnant by humping any inanimate object, unless it is so coated in still-wet human semen that some can survive long enough to get inside of you.


Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by humping a pillow – naked or clothed:

Sexual pleasure doesn’t get you pregnant. Orgasm doesn’t get you pregnant. The only thing that can get you pregnant is exposure to living sperm, which have to enter your vagina, swim up through your cervix, and find a viable egg to fertilize. If a sexual activity doesn’t expose you to sperm, it can’t get you pregnant.

Sexual activities that don’t expose you to sperm can still give you STDs, but you’re at no risk from an STD when you’re humping a clean pillowcase, or any other clean object, with your clothes on.

*Yes, this was a real question.

#28

Posted on December 26th, 2011 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if you get semen on your hands, wash them thoroughly with soap and water, and then finger yourself.

Given some of the questions that I get, I want to congratulate the many of you* who have asked me this question for having a solid grasp of good hygiene. Thank you for recognizing that if you get bodily fluids on your hands, you should wash them with soap and water. I applaud you.

Some might say that, right now, I have a low bar for being impressed by people. I say, don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my inbox.

I also say that there has got to be a better way to adopt that metaphor. Read a million in my inbox? Walk a mile in my e-mail? I’ll take suggestions below.


Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by fingering yourself after washing your hands with soap and water:

Semen is not made out of glue. When you wash it, it comes off. That said, it’s also sticky. If you failed to wash your hands thoroughly enough that a significant amount of semen remained, you’d notice.

*Given how often I get asked this question, I’m kind of amazed I hadn’t written this before now

PSA

Posted on October 21st, 2011 by Elizabeth

Giving a man a blow job, or masturbating him to orgasm, does NOT use up his sperm, and it is NOT a form of contraception. If you have sex with him afterwards, he can still get you pregnant.

#27

Posted on June 20th, 2011 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by swallowing someone else’s saliva.

You could drink saliva by the gallon and while it might make you nauseated in a way that, theoretically, could simulate morning sickness, it would not make you pregnant.

For the record: the simulation of morning sickness would be more accurate if you drank the gallons of saliva every day. Most people get morning sick on a regular basis, not just once.

That said, if you had access to gallons of saliva to drink as part of your regular morning routine, I would be concerned that you were part of a vast criminal conspiracy that enticed men to drool into cups by showing them pictures of scantily clad women.

And for the record, even if those cups were held lower down, you couldn’t get pregnant by drinking that bodily fluid either, unless something absolutely extraordinary were to occur.


Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by drinking saliva:

There are no sperm in saliva. I repeat. There are no sperm in saliva. Since you can not get pregnant without sperm, there is no way for saliva to make you pregnant.

In addition, even if there were sperm in the saliva you were swallowing, there would be no way for it to get from your stomach to your uterus.

#26

Posted on January 22nd, 2011 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by masturbating.

You can not even get pregnant by masturbating someone else.

More importantly, if someone gives you a pregnancy test there is absolutely no way for them to know if you have been masturbating. Pregnancy tests are not masturbation detectors. Pregnancy tests are pregnancy detectors.

People can also not tell if you were masturbating by looking for hair on your palms. They might, however, be able to tell if you don’t wash the items you masturbate with so, if you are concerned about people knowing you masturbate, soap and water are your friends. So is doing your own laundry.

That said, although some people are uncomfortable about the fact that they masturbate, masturbation shouldn’t be a source of shame. It’s fun, it improves your sex life, and it can make it easier to get a good night’s sleep. Plus, if you have a high sex drive, masturbation can help keep you from making poor sexual decisions (that could get you pregnant) with someone else.


Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by masturbating:

Getting pregnant requires sperm to reach a fertilized egg inside your body. Masturbating doesn’t provide the sperm. Alternatively, masturbating someone else doesn’t provide the egg (or the inside of your body.) From the perspective of pregnancy, masturbation is entirely safe sex.

This was written in response to a question asking if masturbation will make a pregnancy test turn positive.

#25

Posted on December 2nd, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if you give a guy a hand job, tissue off your hand, do a bunch of stuff, and eventually end up going to the bathroom and wipe yourself with your formally erotically charged hand – even if you aren’t holding a piece of toilet paper at the time.

Although you should really wash your hands after giving a guy a hand job. Semen gets sticky as it dries, and that’s really just unpleasant. Not the hand job. Hand jobs are fun and reasonably safe sex. What is unpleasant is failing to clean up the mess afterward… and the thought of people who apparently walk around all day without ever washing their hands (a running theme in the questions I receive.)


Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by touching semen, practicing bad sex hygiene, and eventually going to the bathroom:

For semen to get you pregnant, it has to

  • still be wet enough to support the sperm
  • get into your vagina and through your cervix so that it can make friends with an egg.

Wiping off your hands with a tissue after sex is almost certainly going to remove most, or all, or the semen and sperm and dry up what’s left. Furthermore, if it didn’t, you’d probably end up wanting to wash your hands because of the sticky/tacky problem.

Even with the most cursory post-hand job cleanup, it’s extraordinarily unlikely that any sperm would still be alive several hours later . It’s even less likely that they would conspire to find their way into your body simply because you wiped yourself with the same hand after you peed.

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Disclaimer:

This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

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