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101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant

And One Or Two Ways You Actually Can

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#15

Posted on December 18, 2009December 29, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if a guy goes to the bathroom, comes back, and touches you.

—

Even if that guy peed on his own hands and then he returned to rub his urine covered hands all over your hot naked body.

Even if he clasped your hands in his cold clammy fingers, pleaded his undying love for you, and then you went to masturbate furiously without washing your urine-covered hands first.

On a side note… WASH YOUR HANDS, PEOPLE!!!! Hygiene. Basic hygiene. It is your friend.


Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by hanging out with guys who need to empty their bladders on a regular basis:

Any sperm that were still in the urethra when he was peeing would be killed by the pee. (Note: This is not true if you’re fooling around, but is true for actual urination. In other words, a man can not go pee to kill the sperm and then come have sex with you and assume you will not get pregnant. Peeing before sex does not make it safe.)

Furthermore, even if they weren’t killed by the pee the sperm has to get inside your vagina. It can not crawl through your skin.

Sperm is, fortunately, not the creature from Alien.

9 thoughts on “#15”

  1. chris says:
    December 24, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    If I masturbate with my partner, she does me I do her, and leak while she’s going at it… then she touches herself, could she get pregnant? Basically if there is sperm on her hands, and then she masturbates, could she get pregnant?

  2. Elizabeth says:
    December 24, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    If she puts her semen covered fingers in herself, it’s possible, but if the semen stays on the outside of her body, no.

  3. Lana says:
    December 31, 2009 at 10:20 pm

    Hey Elizabeth! I just happen to suffer from anxiety disorder haha but please please please put my mind at rest! Last night, as you’ll know, was New Years Eve! And a few guy friends held my hand! I’m really worried that one of them may have gone off to the toilet for a masturbate earlier on i the evening as they were joking about it (I’m pretty sure they were just being stupid). I was very drunk and can’t remember if i washed my hands when i got home! I just uhh had a cup of tea and went to bed. My question for you is that (i very much doubt that i did) but if my hands were dry and then i touched myself you-know-where and there were sperm cells on my hands, could that make me pregnant? What is your experience in stuff like this.. are you a nurse or..? Haha lok forward to your reply as I don’t enjoy spending the beginning of 2010 worrying myself crazy!

  4. admin says:
    January 1, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Lana,

    I’m a women’s health researcher and sexual health educator, and you really have nothing to worry about. Even if the guys had gone to the bathroom and jerked off into their hands and come back and shook your hand so that your hands felt sticky and kind of gross (i.e. a noticeable amount of semen), by the time you got home and touched yourself the semen would have dried out and the sperm would be dead. But honestly, even if it wasn’t and you had sticky semen fingers and put them in your vagina, it’s not terribly likely that you’d get pregnant. I don’t think it’s worth worrying about.

  5. Lana says:
    January 1, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    Hahahaha! Aw I doubt the guys would have done that because they laughed when I said I thought guys casually jerked off into toilets at parties, and explained that only really desperately weird ones would do that. I’m 95 percent sure i didnt do anything of the sort when I got home because I’m so paranoid, but I was pretty drunk so who knows! Anyway, thankyou so much for that, it’s helped me relax and look forward to this year 😀

  6. Lana says:
    January 22, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    PS: Can you get HIV that way?!

  7. Elizabeth says:
    January 22, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    Getting semen on your hands could _conceivably_ cause HIV if they were infected, and you had cuts on your hands, but it’s not terribly likely.

  8. Lana says:
    January 22, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    If i has been dried for hours?

  9. Elizabeth says:
    January 22, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    If it has been dry for hours, then no. Only if it’s wet.

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Disclaimer

This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

I Am Not A Pregnancy Test

Therefore, I will no longer be answering personal "am I pregnant?" questions on this site.

If you post your questions, I may still use them as a resource for posts, but this was always intended as a humor and educational site and not an advice site, so I will no longer be offering personal reassurance.

That having been said, one last piece of advice: If you think you might be pregnant, the best way to find out is to wait until you miss your period and take a pregnancy test.

Alternatively, if you've had vaginal intercourse without contraception in the past 72 hours, you can explore emergency contraception to try and interrupt the possibility of pregnancy. However, if you haven't had vaginal intercourse, you are unlikely to be pregnant. It's not completely impossible, but it's extremely unlikely.

Before you start having sex, or thinking about having sex, I highly recommend reading a copy of "our bodies, ourselves" or a similar book about your body so that you understand how sex and pregnancy work, and all the possible risks. If you don't know how sex can affect your body, you shouldn't be fooling around with it. Tell your boyfriends and your mothers that too

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