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101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant

And One Or Two Ways You Actually Can

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Happy New Years!

Posted on January 1, 2010December 29, 2009 by Elizabeth

In order to celebrate the New Year, I would like to present you with ten of my favorite search queries that have led people to this blog (leaving their spelling and grammar intact), and my answers to those questions.

  1. if sperm is on stomock it can pregent someone?
  2. can you get pregnant from going to the bathroom after touching someone?
  3. is it good to mastrubate in a torlet so no 1 can get pregnt?
  4. can you get pregnant sperm on fabric?
  5. when can i ejaculate in her without getting her pregnant?
  6. if a man pees on a toilet than a girl pees and the guy peed on the toilt seat can she get pregnet?
  7. can you get pregnant sitting in a guys chair?
  8. do you pee out semen if you swallow?
  9. the only way you can get pregnant is by sperm?
  10. when can’t you get pregnant?

My answers:

  1. No. The outside of the stomach is not an entryway to the vagina.
  2. No. Peeing will never make you pregnant.
  3. No. It’s good to masturbate into a toilet because it makes cleanup easier if you’re going to ejaculate all over the place. No one is going to get pregnant by you masturbating, unless by “masturbating” you mean “sticking your penis inside their vagina while fantasizing about a movie star.”
  4. Sperm can’t get pregnant. Neither can fabric. If you get sperm on fabric, it’s not going to get you pregnant either unless you put that fabric in your vagina (and even then it’s not likely.)
  5. a) When she’s dead. b) When “she” is not actually a woman. c) When she is using effective birth control. d)When you ejaculate in her mouth or her anus or her ear or her nostril instead of her vagina (she would still be at risk of getting an STD… or a sinus infection, if you go for the last two.)
  6. No.
  7. No.
  8. No. You pee out urine. Some of the components of that urine may have once been semen, but they’ve been digested.
  9. Yes.
  10. When you’re not a fertile woman.

5 thoughts on “Happy New Years!”

  1. petal says:
    January 1, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    7. You can TOTALLY get pregnant from sitting in a guy’s chair… if he’s already sitting in it.

  2. Michael says:
    April 13, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    I love your sense of humor. Haha.

  3. joe says:
    May 17, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    “b) When “she” is not actually a woman.”

    yay, transphobia.

  4. Elizabeth says:
    August 11, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Fair call, although what I actually meant was “when ‘her’ is a blow up doll or a sheep or a stuffed animal” as much as “when she does not have female reproductive organs that can be impregnated.” My apologies. I was speaking biological sex rather than gender, but the language is not exactly clear. Gender and sex are two different things, but for the purpose of unassisted sexual reproduction you need complementary bits of biology.

  5. Ammon17 says:
    October 6, 2010 at 7:24 am

    you people are so misinformed because you were not taught the Catholic version of sex ed. The average woman can only become pregnant 8 days out of the month. Get the book called Natural family Planning to learn about a woman’s menstrual cycle.

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Disclaimer

This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

I Am Not A Pregnancy Test

Therefore, I will no longer be answering personal "am I pregnant?" questions on this site.

If you post your questions, I may still use them as a resource for posts, but this was always intended as a humor and educational site and not an advice site, so I will no longer be offering personal reassurance.

That having been said, one last piece of advice: If you think you might be pregnant, the best way to find out is to wait until you miss your period and take a pregnancy test.

Alternatively, if you've had vaginal intercourse without contraception in the past 72 hours, you can explore emergency contraception to try and interrupt the possibility of pregnancy. However, if you haven't had vaginal intercourse, you are unlikely to be pregnant. It's not completely impossible, but it's extremely unlikely.

Before you start having sex, or thinking about having sex, I highly recommend reading a copy of "our bodies, ourselves" or a similar book about your body so that you understand how sex and pregnancy work, and all the possible risks. If you don't know how sex can affect your body, you shouldn't be fooling around with it. Tell your boyfriends and your mothers that too

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