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101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant

And One Or Two Ways You Actually Can

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#21

Posted on June 30, 2010June 25, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if a man sticks his tongue inside you… unless he then follows it with his penis.

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I feel a strange need to make certain that none of my readers here are planning on having sex with zombies. Sex with zombies can be hazardous for your health, and under no circumstances should you allow one to store body parts inside your vagina – tongue, penis, kidneys, colon…. nothing

Although storing a zombie’s body parts in your vagina can not make you pregnant, doing so could lead to:

a) All sorts of strange smells.
b) Weird inside-out zombie transformation.
c) False sensations of pregnancy as they continue to move around inside you looking for a comfortable home.

When a zombie approaches you for a romantic date, just say no, then go, and tell someone you trust that the hordes are on their way and it’s time to go for the fire ax.

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Explanation for an enthusiastic session of oral pleasuring will not leave you with a bun in the oven

Mouths do not contain sperm. Therefore, no amount of having a man stick his tongue inside you will cause sperm to end up in your body. Without the joyous chemical reactions that occur when sperm meets egg, somewhat akin to the scientific alchemy that turns dry and wet ingredients into a loaf of bread, there can be no baby. Putting something in your vagina does not make you pregnant. Sperm meeting egg and implanting in your uterus is what makes you pregnant… and for that you need semen.

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Disclaimer

This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

I Am Not A Pregnancy Test

Therefore, I will no longer be answering personal "am I pregnant?" questions on this site.

If you post your questions, I may still use them as a resource for posts, but this was always intended as a humor and educational site and not an advice site, so I will no longer be offering personal reassurance.

That having been said, one last piece of advice: If you think you might be pregnant, the best way to find out is to wait until you miss your period and take a pregnancy test.

Alternatively, if you've had vaginal intercourse without contraception in the past 72 hours, you can explore emergency contraception to try and interrupt the possibility of pregnancy. However, if you haven't had vaginal intercourse, you are unlikely to be pregnant. It's not completely impossible, but it's extremely unlikely.

Before you start having sex, or thinking about having sex, I highly recommend reading a copy of "our bodies, ourselves" or a similar book about your body so that you understand how sex and pregnancy work, and all the possible risks. If you don't know how sex can affect your body, you shouldn't be fooling around with it. Tell your boyfriends and your mothers that too

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#69: You can not get pregnant doing a sixty-nine.

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