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101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant

And One Or Two Ways You Actually Can

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#22

Posted on July 11, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if you are wearing underwear and a sanitary napkin, your boyfriend is wearing underwear, and you rub up against each other until he comes in an explosion of unbridled desire.

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The presence or absence of a bra has no effect on the probability of a pregnancy… unless it’s a really GOOD bra. As anyone who has worn one has certainly learned, a really good bra can have disinhibiting effects on a woman’s sense of self restraint. Proper support and a nice bit of uplift, combined with some really sexy lace, have been known to make some women feel so fabulous about themselves that they start picking up men on the street corners and having impromptu, unprotected sex. Having a good boob day is a truly dangerous thing… almost as effective for acquiring new sex partners as pink satin bunny ears.

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Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant when well padded

Sperm need to get up through your cervix if you’re going to get pregnant. There is no conceivable way that the little swimmers are going to be able to climb through two layers of cloth and a sanitary napkin. Sperm don’t carry shovels… or ladders. They have neither backpacks nor hands.

9 thoughts on “#22”

  1. Diane says:
    July 18, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    What if you and your boyfriend are making out and he urinated a few minutes beforehand and you touch some of the precum on his pants and then go to the bathroom and touch the outside of your vagina by accident? This happened a few months ago and my periods have come (the last one was about two weeks late but I did travel extensively and have a lot of stress) but have been irregular.
    I know it sounds ridiculous, but everywhere I look says something different. I’ve since broken up with the boy (almost two months ago) and can’t get it out of my head.

  2. Elizabeth says:
    July 18, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    Diane,

    Something like that is not going to get you pregnant, but you need to think about why – at two months – you haven’t taken a pregnancy test to just make yourself feel better.

  3. Diane says:
    July 18, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    I don’t know either…I don’t even know why I’m scared, especially since I’ve had my period several times. I’m scared it’ll be something freaky and come out positive. It’s not even like I masturbated or anything…my finger might’ve just accidentally touched it when I went to the bathroom. Thank you.

  4. Aimee says:
    July 21, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    Hi, I’m just wondering how sensitive are sperm? When do they start dying if they are not inside the vagina? Can sperm live without the semen?
    thanks.

  5. leila says:
    July 26, 2010 at 5:18 am

    can you get pregnant if you and your boyfriend are naked and he circles his wet penis on your clitoris or urethra?

  6. Catherine says:
    August 9, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    Elizabeth ,

    I’ve done a stupid thing approximately 1 week ago . I touched my boyfriend’s penis , and his sperm spill on my hand without washing about 10 minutes. Can sperm get into virgin through skin ? How long the sperm can lives outside of the body ?Thanks !

  7. Antonette says:
    December 2, 2010 at 1:11 am

    Can you get pregnant if you are fully clothed and he is naked and you rub against each other?

  8. malks says:
    February 14, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    hey, I was wondering, me and my gf were dry humping and I culled, at the time o had thin boxers on, and she had tights and pants, is there a chance she is pregnant? even if the sperm got close to her vagina?

  9. danielle says:
    May 22, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    my boyfriend had one layer of trousers on and i had none and he put it straight in could that get me pregant ??

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Disclaimer

This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

I Am Not A Pregnancy Test

Therefore, I will no longer be answering personal "am I pregnant?" questions on this site.

If you post your questions, I may still use them as a resource for posts, but this was always intended as a humor and educational site and not an advice site, so I will no longer be offering personal reassurance.

That having been said, one last piece of advice: If you think you might be pregnant, the best way to find out is to wait until you miss your period and take a pregnancy test.

Alternatively, if you've had vaginal intercourse without contraception in the past 72 hours, you can explore emergency contraception to try and interrupt the possibility of pregnancy. However, if you haven't had vaginal intercourse, you are unlikely to be pregnant. It's not completely impossible, but it's extremely unlikely.

Before you start having sex, or thinking about having sex, I highly recommend reading a copy of "our bodies, ourselves" or a similar book about your body so that you understand how sex and pregnancy work, and all the possible risks. If you don't know how sex can affect your body, you shouldn't be fooling around with it. Tell your boyfriends and your mothers that too

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