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101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant

And One Or Two Ways You Actually Can

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#25

Posted on December 2, 2010December 2, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if you give a guy a hand job, tissue off your hand, do a bunch of stuff, and eventually end up going to the bathroom and wipe yourself with your formally erotically charged hand – even if you aren’t holding a piece of toilet paper at the time.

—

Although you should really wash your hands after giving a guy a hand job. Semen gets sticky as it dries, and that’s really just unpleasant. Not the hand job. Hand jobs are fun and reasonably safe sex. What is unpleasant is failing to clean up the mess afterward… and the thought of people who apparently walk around all day without ever washing their hands (a running theme in the questions I receive.)


Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by touching semen, practicing bad sex hygiene, and eventually going to the bathroom:

For semen to get you pregnant, it has to

  • still be wet enough to support the sperm
  • get into your vagina and through your cervix so that it can make friends with an egg.

Wiping off your hands with a tissue after sex is almost certainly going to remove most, or all, or the semen and sperm and dry up what’s left. Furthermore, if it didn’t, you’d probably end up wanting to wash your hands because of the sticky/tacky problem.

Even with the most cursory post-hand job cleanup, it’s extraordinarily unlikely that any sperm would still be alive several hours later . It’s even less likely that they would conspire to find their way into your body simply because you wiped yourself with the same hand after you peed.

7 thoughts on “#25”

  1. Neil says:
    December 7, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Hey, im really thankful for what you two are doing by running this site.

    I have a question, and I hope you give me an answer, because its really sensible.
    I know you dont give personal reassurance but let me start off with this.
    WE WERE FULLY CLOTHED, wearing underwear, and did NOT have vaginal intercourse, or any sort of direct contact involving our parts.

    So..

    Can you get pregnant, if you are bordering on the fertile time of the month (Day 12),
    And your boyfriend masturbates himself into your mouth, leaving no visible spillage anywhere,
    Tho he then proceeds to clean himself up properly, sort out some paperwork lying on his desk.. and then he fingers you?

    The time frame in which all this happened is about 15 minutes.
    I understand it may sound silly, but I come from a very poor region of Asia, and am not well educated in these things.
    Your site has helped me understand the risks better, thank you, and I hope you reply and keep up with the good work 🙂

    -Neil
    (P.S I do check my email)

  2. Neil says:
    December 7, 2010 at 11:21 am

    TO REPHRASE,

    Can you get pregnant if a man ejaculates, FAR from his hand, does a whole lot of other things,
    (In a short amount of time, and does NOT clean up with handwash of ANY sort, but instead only cleans up with a clean, dry towel.)

    then fingers you with the same hand?

    ASSUMING that it is during the most fertile time of a woman’s cycle?

  3. Sammy says:
    December 26, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    So my boyfriend cummed on my stomach & we wiped it all away as fast as we could. Then i bent over & he humped me (without penetration) without his boxers on. & i had a thong & we didnt use a condom. is this possible for me to get pregnant?

  4. Sammy says:
    December 26, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    can i get pregnant at 14 if my period only comes every 3 months & my last period was about 1 1/2 months ago?

  5. Elizabeth says:
    December 28, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Yes, just because your period is irregular does NOT mean you are not able to get get pregnant. It just means there’s no good way for you to tell when you are fertile so you should always assume that sex carries a pregnancy risk. (Which, realistically, you should do anyway.)

  6. Elizabeth says:
    December 28, 2010 at 10:17 am

    It’s extraordinarily unlikely

  7. Erica says:
    June 29, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    sorry i know you hate answering these questions but i gave my boyfriend a hand job which he did not come, and then he wanted to finger me and really couldnt get in by him self so i helped. I used the hand that was rarely on his dick and touch the outside of the vagina which i think i rubbed my hand after on the blanket. can i still get pregnant?

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Disclaimer

This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

I Am Not A Pregnancy Test

Therefore, I will no longer be answering personal "am I pregnant?" questions on this site.

If you post your questions, I may still use them as a resource for posts, but this was always intended as a humor and educational site and not an advice site, so I will no longer be offering personal reassurance.

That having been said, one last piece of advice: If you think you might be pregnant, the best way to find out is to wait until you miss your period and take a pregnancy test.

Alternatively, if you've had vaginal intercourse without contraception in the past 72 hours, you can explore emergency contraception to try and interrupt the possibility of pregnancy. However, if you haven't had vaginal intercourse, you are unlikely to be pregnant. It's not completely impossible, but it's extremely unlikely.

Before you start having sex, or thinking about having sex, I highly recommend reading a copy of "our bodies, ourselves" or a similar book about your body so that you understand how sex and pregnancy work, and all the possible risks. If you don't know how sex can affect your body, you shouldn't be fooling around with it. Tell your boyfriends and your mothers that too

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