You can not get pregnant if you get semen on your hands, wash them thoroughly with soap and water, and then finger yourself.
Given some of the questions that I get, I want to congratulate the many of you* who have asked me this question for having a solid grasp of good hygiene. Thank you for recognizing that if you get bodily fluids on your hands, you should wash them with soap and water. I applaud you.
Some might say that, right now, I have a low bar for being impressed by people. I say, don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my inbox.
I also say that there has got to be a better way to adopt that metaphor. Read a million in my inbox? Walk a mile in my e-mail? I’ll take suggestions below.
Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by fingering yourself after washing your hands with soap and water:
Semen is not made out of glue. When you wash it, it comes off. That said, it’s also sticky. If you failed to wash your hands thoroughly enough that a significant amount of semen remained, you’d notice.
*Given how often I get asked this question, I’m kind of amazed I hadn’t written this before now