To answer this question, which I receive with some regularity, I have prepared the following two lists:

Ten Ways You CAN NOT Find Out If You’re Pregnant

1. Ask the Internet
2. Ask your friends
3. Ask your parents
4. Ask a psychic
5. Wait to see if your period is one or two days late
6. Pee on a stick (see exception below)
7. Pee on a rabbit
8. Do anything else to a rabbit
9. Flip a coin
10. Have a Pap smear

Ten Ways You CAN Find Out That You’re Pregnant

1. Pee on a stick that is a pregnancy test*
2. Pee in a cup then use your urine for a home pregnancy test
3. Pee in a cup at a doctor’s office, which they will test for pregnancy
4. Give blood to your doctor so she can test for pregnancy
5. Give blood to a nurse so your doctor can test for pregnancy
6. Give blood to a nurse so she can test for pregnancy
7. Have a medical emergency, and get tested for pregnancy at the ER
8. Need an X-Ray and be unable to remember your last period, thus prompting your doctor to test you for pregnancy.
9. Have an ultrasound when you feel something kicking in your abdomen
10. Wait to see if a baby pops out of your vagina in approximately 40 weeks

_{*Note: Read the instructions on the test box. It takes several days/weeks before these tests will be able to determine if an act of unprotected sex has rendered you pregnant. You can not take them the next day. You can, however, take emergency contraception – and you should if you’ve had unprotected sex and do not want to get pregnant.}

In order to celebrate the New Year, I would like to present you with ten of my favorite search queries that have led people to this blog (leaving their spelling and grammar intact), and my answers to those questions.

1. if sperm is on stomock it can pregent someone?
2. can you get pregnant from going to the bathroom after touching someone?
3. is it good to mastrubate in a torlet so no 1 can get pregnt?
4. can you get pregnant sperm on fabric?
5. when can i ejaculate in her without getting her pregnant?
6. if a man pees on a toilet than a girl pees and the guy peed on the toilt seat can she get pregnet?
7. can you get pregnant sitting in a guys chair?
8. do you pee out semen if you swallow?
9. the only way you can get pregnant is by sperm?
10. when can’t you get pregnant?

My answers:

1. No. The outside of the stomach is not an entryway to the vagina.
2. No. Peeing will never make you pregnant.
3. No. It’s good to masturbate into a toilet because it makes cleanup easier if you’re going to ejaculate all over the place. No one is going to get pregnant by you masturbating, unless by “masturbating” you mean “sticking your penis inside their vagina while fantasizing about a movie star.”
4. Sperm can’t get pregnant. Neither can fabric. If you get sperm on fabric, it’s not going to get you pregnant either unless you put that fabric in your vagina (and even then it’s not likely.)
5. a) When she’s dead. b) When “she” is not actually a woman. c) When she is using effective birth control. d)When you ejaculate in her mouth or her anus or her ear or her nostril instead of her vagina (she would still be at risk of getting an STD… or a sinus infection, if you go for the last two.)
6. No.
7. No.
8. No. You pee out urine. Some of the components of that urine may have once been semen, but they’ve been digested.
9. Yes.
10. When you’re not a fertile woman.

Apparently if, after a day of starving* yourself right as you’re ovulating, you give your boyfriend oral sex and then almost immediately get stabbed in the abdomen in such a way that the contents of your stomach merge with your uterus before the stomach acid has a chance to kill the sperm … there may be a small chance that you might get pregnant**.

I don’t think that it’s something you should worry about. You’re a lot more likely to get an STD from oral sex than get pregnant from a knife wound.

The Take Home Message: Avoid getting stabbed in the belly… and don’t swallow.

–

_{*People who starve themselves may have less acid in their stomachs. Sperm don’t like acid. Even the normal mild acidity of the vagina would kill them if it weren’t for the buffering capacity of semen.}

_{**Based on the transcription of a 1988 case report from the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology. I’m trying to get a copy of the paper and the follow-up article, because the sheer number of things that had to go wrong for this to happen are almost unbelievable.}

The Question: “Is it true that you can’t get pregnant if you get up and jump around after sex?”

My Answer: No.

An Addendum From The Fabulous Erika: Like salmon, sperm are perfectly capable of spawning by swimming upstream.

Spelling It Out in Plain English: You can still get pregnant if you jump up and down after sex. If you don’t want to get pregnant you need to avoid vaginal intercourse, use contraceptives, or both.

Almost every post on this website is taken directly from a real question from a real young woman who is terrified that she might have become pregnant… and that her life might be over.

It’s easy to laugh at the thought that anyone could honestly believe that something like getting sperm on your jeans could get you pregnant, but there are a lot of young women out there who have no real understanding of the actual biology of sex and pregnancy.

Our schools have failed our children. Our parents have failed our children. It’s time to give every young person the information they need about sex so that they know what the real risks are and so that they can take actual responsibility for their actions.

It’s also time to remind young women that if pregnancy is so frightening to them that they are afraid they might touch a sperm covered tissue in the bathroom then it probably means that they are not ready to have sex… and that’s okay.

Although birth control methods range from extremely effective to not much better than a wish and a prayer, even the most effective is not a 100% guarantee. If a pregnancy would be a disaster for you, and you are not willing to consider other options, such as abortion, in the event you do become pregnant while using birth control pills or other contraceptive methods, then don’t have sex. It may be a wonderful thing, but it’s not worth ruining your life.

Sex can make you pregnant. You can do things to reduce the odds of a pregnancy, and there are options available for terminating a pregnancy in the event that they fail, but the basic truth is still this: If you have vaginal intercourse, there is a risk of pregnancy. If you have other forms of sex, there may be a risk of sexually transmitted diseases. If you can’t accept those risks? Then don’t. Don’t accept them… and don’t have sex.

If you don’t have enough time or money to buy condoms so that you can avoid an unplanned pregnancy, then you really don’t have enough time or money to have a child.  Actions have consequences, and there is always another night.

If you really want to be intimate with someone and you don’t have the ability to find or purchase protection, consider engaging in a relatively low risk activity like mutual masturbation. If you have both been tested, and found negative, for STDs, you could also consider oral sex – but that is only a safe sex activity when it comes to preventing pregnancy. Most STDs can be spread from the mouth to the genitals and vice versa.

101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant is the brainchild of two sex educators – Elizabeth Boskey and Jessica Mesick – who wanted to find a humorous way to address the questions they get every day.  In a few days, after we get up and rolling, we’re going to be sharing with you all the ways you can’t get pregnant, and also educate you about the very few ways you can.  Follow our RSS feed, and you’ll know the second we post the first of many fascinating ways you can not get pregnant.