You can not get pregnant if a guy goes to the bathroom, comes back, and touches you.

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Even if that guy peed on his own hands and then he returned to rub his urine covered hands all over your hot naked body.

Even if he clasped your hands in his cold clammy fingers, pleaded his undying love for you, and then you went to masturbate furiously without washing your urine-covered hands first.

On a side note… WASH YOUR HANDS, PEOPLE!!!! Hygiene. Basic hygiene. It is your friend.

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by hanging out with guys who need to empty their bladders on a regular basis:}

_{Any sperm that were still in the urethra when he was peeing would be killed by the pee. (Note: This is not true if you’re fooling around, but is true for actual urination. In other words, a man can not go pee to kill the sperm and then come have sex with you and assume you will not get pregnant. Peeing before sex does not make it safe.)}

_{Furthermore, even if they weren’t killed by the pee the sperm has to get inside your vagina. It can not crawl through your skin.}

_{Sperm is, fortunately, not the creature from Alien.}

You can not get pregnant by drinking sperm

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Semen is like a warm and not particularly tasty high-protein shake.

Drinking it won’t make you pregnant, but it could make you a bit nauseated…. so don’t down a cup of sperm every day before breakfast or you might mistake your queasiness for morning sickness.

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by drinking sperm:}

_{The way to a man’s heart may be through his stomach, but it’s only a metaphorical truth. If you look at the actual anatomy of the body, the heart isn’t actually connected to the stomach…. and neither is the vagina.}

When you drink something you either swallow it, in which case it goes through the digestive track and gets digested or someone scares the crap out of you and you spill it all over yourself. (I am ignoring the third possibility where you inhale instead of swallow and get whatever you’re drinking into your lungs.) In either case… you’re pretty safe from pregnancy

_{It is worth noticing that performing oral sex on a man without using a condom does put you at risk of several STDs – including syphilis, herpes, and gonorrhea. If you’re drinking your semen out of a shot glass… well, you have other problems and I probably can’t help you.}

You can not get pregnant from a cucumber*.

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It doesn’t matter if you eat the cucumber, mash the cucumber up and give yourself a facial, or have really hot sex with the cucumber – vegetables can not get you pregnant.

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant with a cucumber:}

_{Cucumbers don’t have sperm. Without sperm, you can not get pregnant.}

For that matter, if a cucumber did have sperm (instead of seeds), it would be cucumber sperm and cucumbers and humans are incapable of cross-breeding. It would take some serious genetic engineering (or a lot of booze…) to make pickled people!

Technically speaking, I suppose that if a man hollowed out a cucumber, jerked off into it so that it was filled with his semen, and then fucked a woman with it, that it is possible that she could get pregnant… but it seems both like an awful lot of trouble and a waste of a perfectly good salad. Plus, it would still be the man getting her pregnant – not the cucumber.

*Someone asked. I swear!

You can not get pregnant by sitting on a toilet that happens to have a condom in it.

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You can not even get pregnant by sitting on a condom directly. If there is semen inside the condom it is inside the condom, and even if some happens to be on the outside the odds of it getting anywhere pregnancy-inducing just by you sitting on it are pretty much nil.

Sitting on a toilet seat… that is above a toilet bowl… that contains a condom… and possibly also is full of the semen that has leaked out of the condom into the toilet water so that the sperm can swim around below you like a massive shiver of sharks waiting for the kill…

… is absolutely no risk at all.

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by peeing above the danger zone:}

_{Unlike dolphins and whales, sperm does not have the ability to leap from the water into your vagina.}

_{Okay. Technically speaking, whales and dolphins also do not have the ability to leap from the water into your vagina either, but they do at least have the ability to leap from the water. Sperm don’t.}

You can not get pregnant if someone pees in your mouth.

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I really hope this isn’t what my mother was thinking about when she used to call me a “potty mouth”

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by imbibing filtered water straight from the pump:}

_{Urine doesn’t have sperm in it. Without sperm, you can not get pregnant.}

Even if urine did have sperm in it you couldn’t get pregnant by drinking it. The stomach is not connected to the uterus. There’s no way for the sperm to get where it needs to go, and even if it did, the sperm would be dead from the stomach acid before it got there.

*I wish I had made this question up, but I didn’t. Someone actually asked.

You can not get pregnant from taking a shower with a man.

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Taking a bath, or a shower, together is quite literally “Good, Clean Fun.”

Having sex in the shower or bath, however, is another thing entirely…

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by going scrub a dub dub with a man in the tub:}

_{Being wet and naked with a man is not a risk for pregnancy since it doesn’t actually involve his sperm getting near your eggs. Well, unless being all soapy and scrubby makes you jump each others bones. You can get pregnant by having sex in a shower or bath. Just because there’s water on the outside doesn’t mean there can’t be insemination on the inside.}

You can not get pregnant by picking up a condom.

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You can grab it with your toes…

You can sniff it up with your nose…

You can pinch it with your fingers…

You can squeeze it like a wringer…

But unless you are picking up that condom with your vagina there’s no chance it’s going to get you pregnant*.

_{Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by cleaning up after the people who inexplicably leave condoms in public places:}

_{There is no way for sperm to get into your body through your hands and travel to your uterus. Picking up used condoms is not going to get you pregnant. It could, however, conceivably infect you with a disease, particularly if the condom is still wet. If it’s your partner’s condom, wash your hands well after throwing it away. If it’s a stranger’s condom… it might be best to leave it alone unless you have a convenient pair of gloves or can grasp it from the other side of a plastic bag – and you’ll want to do a good hand wash after.}

*More power to you, if you can, but for most people the vagina isn’t a useful grasping instrument. Things have to be inserted first for it to hold onto.