#69: You can not get pregnant doing a sixty-nine.

Happy New Years!

Posted on January 1st, 2010 by Elizabeth

In order to celebrate the New Year, I would like to present you with ten of my favorite search queries that have led people to this blog (leaving their spelling and grammar intact), and my answers to those questions.

  1. if sperm is on stomock it can pregent someone?
  2. can you get pregnant from going to the bathroom after touching someone?
  3. is it good to mastrubate in a torlet so no 1 can get pregnt?
  4. can you get pregnant sperm on fabric?
  5. when can i ejaculate in her without getting her pregnant?
  6. if a man pees on a toilet than a girl pees and the guy peed on the toilt seat can she get pregnet?
  7. can you get pregnant sitting in a guys chair?
  8. do you pee out semen if you swallow?
  9. the only way you can get pregnant is by sperm?
  10. when can’t you get pregnant?

My answers:

  1. No. The outside of the stomach is not an entryway to the vagina.
  2. No. Peeing will never make you pregnant.
  3. No. It’s good to masturbate into a toilet because it makes cleanup easier if you’re going to ejaculate all over the place. No one is going to get pregnant by you masturbating, unless by “masturbating” you mean “sticking your penis inside their vagina while fantasizing about a movie star.”
  4. Sperm can’t get pregnant. Neither can fabric. If you get sperm on fabric, it’s not going to get you pregnant either unless you put that fabric in your vagina (and even then it’s not likely.)
  5. a) When she’s dead. b) When “she” is not actually a woman. c) When she is using effective birth control. d)When you ejaculate in her mouth or her anus or her ear or her nostril instead of her vagina (she would still be at risk of getting an STD… or a sinus infection, if you go for the last two.)
  6. No.
  7. No.
  8. No. You pee out urine. Some of the components of that urine may have once been semen, but they’ve been digested.
  9. Yes.
  10. When you’re not a fertile woman.


Posted on December 18th, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if a guy goes to the bathroom, comes back, and touches you.

Even if that guy peed on his own hands and then he returned to rub his urine covered hands all over your hot naked body.

Even if he clasped your hands in his cold clammy fingers, pleaded his undying love for you, and then you went to masturbate furiously without washing your urine-covered hands first.

On a side note… WASH YOUR HANDS, PEOPLE!!!! Hygiene. Basic hygiene. It is your friend.

Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by hanging out with guys who need to empty their bladders on a regular basis:

Any sperm that were still in the urethra when he was peeing would be killed by the pee. (Note: This is not true if you’re fooling around, but is true for actual urination. In other words, a man can not go pee to kill the sperm and then come have sex with you and assume you will not get pregnant. Peeing before sex does not make it safe.)

Furthermore, even if they weren’t killed by the pee the sperm has to get inside your vagina. It can not crawl through your skin.

Sperm is, fortunately, not the creature from Alien.

For every rule, there is an exception…

Posted on October 28th, 2009 by Elizabeth

Apparently if, after a day of starving* yourself right as you’re ovulating, you give your boyfriend oral sex and then almost immediately get stabbed in the abdomen in such a way that the contents of your stomach merge with your uterus before the stomach acid has a chance to kill the sperm … there may be a small chance that you might get pregnant**.

I don’t think that it’s something you should worry about. You’re a lot more likely to get an STD from oral sex than get pregnant from a knife wound.

The Take Home Message: Avoid getting stabbed in the belly… and don’t swallow.

*People who starve themselves may have less acid in their stomachs. Sperm don’t like acid. Even the normal mild acidity of the vagina would kill them if it weren’t for the buffering capacity of semen.

**Based on the transcription of a 1988 case report from the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology. I’m trying to get a copy of the paper and the follow-up article, because the sheer number of things that had to go wrong for this to happen are almost unbelievable.

PSA: Jumping Jacks Are Not Contraceptives

Posted on October 4th, 2009 by Elizabeth

The Question: “Is it true that you can’t get pregnant if you get up and jump around after sex?”

My Answer: No.

An Addendum From The Fabulous Erika: Like salmon, sperm are perfectly capable of spawning by swimming upstream.

Spelling It Out in Plain English: You can still get pregnant if you jump up and down after sex. If you don’t want to get pregnant you need to avoid vaginal intercourse, use contraceptives, or both.


Posted on September 28th, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by drinking sperm

Semen is like a warm and not particularly tasty high-protein shake.

Drinking it won’t make you pregnant, but it could make you a bit nauseated…. so don’t down a cup of sperm every day before breakfast or you might mistake your queasiness for morning sickness.

Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by drinking sperm:

The way to a man’s heart may be through his stomach, but it’s only a metaphorical truth. If you look at the actual anatomy of the body, the heart isn’t actually connected to the stomach…. and neither is the vagina.

When you drink something you either swallow it, in which case it goes through the digestive track and gets digested or someone scares the crap out of you and you spill it all over yourself. (I am ignoring the third possibility where you inhale instead of swallow and get whatever you’re drinking into your lungs.) In either case… you’re pretty safe from pregnancy

It is worth noticing that performing oral sex on a man without using a condom does put you at risk of several STDs – including syphilis, herpes, and gonorrhea. If you’re drinking your semen out of a shot glass… well, you have other problems and I probably can’t help you.


Posted on September 20th, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant from a cucumber*.

It doesn’t matter if you eat the cucumber, mash the cucumber up and give yourself a facial, or have really hot sex with the cucumber – vegetables can not get you pregnant.

Explanation for why you can not get pregnant with a cucumber:

Cucumbers don’t have sperm. Without sperm, you can not get pregnant.

For that matter, if a cucumber did have sperm (instead of seeds), it would be cucumber sperm and cucumbers and humans are incapable of cross-breeding. It would take some serious genetic engineering (or a lot of booze…) to make pickled people!

Technically speaking, I suppose that if a man hollowed out a cucumber, jerked off into it so that it was filled with his semen, and then fucked a woman with it, that it is possible that she could get pregnant… but it seems both like an awful lot of trouble and a waste of a perfectly good salad. Plus, it would still be the man getting her pregnant – not the cucumber.

*Someone asked. I swear!


Posted on September 14th, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by sitting on a toilet that happens to have a condom in it.

You can not even get pregnant by sitting on a condom directly. If there is semen inside the condom it is inside the condom, and even if some happens to be on the outside the odds of it getting anywhere pregnancy-inducing just by you sitting on it are pretty much nil.

Sitting on a toilet seat… that is above a toilet bowl… that contains a condom… and possibly also is full of the semen that has leaked out of the condom into the toilet water so that the sperm can swim around below you like a massive shiver of sharks waiting for the kill…

… is absolutely no risk at all.

Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by peeing above the danger zone:

Unlike dolphins and whales, sperm does not have the ability to leap from the water into your vagina.

Okay. Technically speaking, whales and dolphins also do not have the ability to leap from the water into your vagina either, but they do at least have the ability to leap from the water. Sperm don’t.


Posted on September 6th, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if someone pees in your mouth.

I really hope this isn’t what my mother was thinking about when she used to call me a “potty mouth”

Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by imbibing filtered water straight from the pump:

Urine doesn’t have sperm in it. Without sperm, you can not get pregnant.

Even if urine did have sperm in it you couldn’t get pregnant by drinking it. The stomach is not connected to the uterus. There’s no way for the sperm to get where it needs to go, and even if it did, the sperm would be dead from the stomach acid before it got there.

*I wish I had made this question up, but I didn’t. Someone actually asked.

In case you were wondering…

Posted on August 29th, 2009 by Elizabeth

Almost every post on this website is taken directly from a real question from a real young woman who is terrified that she might have become pregnant… and that her life might be over.

It’s easy to laugh at the thought that anyone could honestly believe that something like getting sperm on your jeans could get you pregnant, but there are a lot of young women out there who have no real understanding of the actual biology of sex and pregnancy.

Our schools have failed our children. Our parents have failed our children. It’s time to give every young person the information they need about sex so that they know what the real risks are and so that they can take actual responsibility for their actions.

It’s also time to remind young women that if pregnancy is so frightening to them that they are afraid they might touch a sperm covered tissue in the bathroom then it probably means that they are not ready to have sex… and that’s okay.

Although birth control methods range from extremely effective to not much better than a wish and a prayer, even the most effective is not a 100% guarantee. If a pregnancy would be a disaster for you, and you are not willing to consider other options, such as abortion, in the event you do become pregnant while using birth control pills or other contraceptive methods, then don’t have sex. It may be a wonderful thing, but it’s not worth ruining your life.

Sex can make you pregnant. You can do things to reduce the odds of a pregnancy, and there are options available for terminating a pregnancy in the event that they fail, but the basic truth is still this: If you have vaginal intercourse, there is a risk of pregnancy. If you have other forms of sex, there may be a risk of sexually transmitted diseases. If you can’t accept those risks? Then don’t. Don’t accept them… and don’t have sex.


Posted on August 26th, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant from taking a shower with a man.

Taking a bath, or a shower, together is quite literally “Good, Clean Fun.”

Having sex in the shower or bath, however, is another thing entirely…

Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by going scrub a dub dub with a man in the tub:

Being wet and naked with a man is not a risk for pregnancy since it doesn’t actually involve his sperm getting near your eggs. Well, unless being all soapy and scrubby makes you jump each others bones. You can get pregnant by having sex in a shower or bath. Just because there’s water on the outside doesn’t mean there can’t be insemination on the inside.

  • Denise: Thanks because I googled this until I made myself ...
  • Elizabeth: This is not something you need to worry about....
  • Denise: Dear Elizabeth, I do not know if you still re...
  • Elizabeth: Yes. You had sex with your boyfriend. That is a wa...
  • janet: i had sex with my boyfriend then i licked his peni...


This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

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