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101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant

And One Or Two Ways You Actually Can

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Happy New Years!

Posted on January 1, 2010December 29, 2009 by Elizabeth

In order to celebrate the New Year, I would like to present you with ten of my favorite search queries that have led people to this blog (leaving their spelling and grammar intact), and my answers to those questions. if sperm is on stomock it can pregent someone? can you get pregnant from going to…

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#15

Posted on December 18, 2009December 29, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if a guy goes to the bathroom, comes back, and touches you. — Even if that guy peed on his own hands and then he returned to rub his urine covered hands all over your hot naked body. Even if he clasped your hands in his cold clammy fingers, pleaded…

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For every rule, there is an exception…

Posted on October 28, 2009March 29, 2011 by Elizabeth

Apparently if, after a day of starving* yourself right as you’re ovulating, you give your boyfriend oral sex and then almost immediately get stabbed in the abdomen in such a way that the contents of your stomach merge with your uterus before the stomach acid has a chance to kill the sperm … there may…

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PSA: Jumping Jacks Are Not Contraceptives

Posted on October 4, 2009December 29, 2009 by Elizabeth

The Question: “Is it true that you can’t get pregnant if you get up and jump around after sex?” My Answer: No. An Addendum From The Fabulous Erika: Like salmon, sperm are perfectly capable of spawning by swimming upstream. Spelling It Out in Plain English: You can still get pregnant if you jump up and…

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#14

Posted on September 28, 2009December 29, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by drinking sperm — Semen is like a warm and not particularly tasty high-protein shake. Drinking it won’t make you pregnant, but it could make you a bit nauseated…. so don’t down a cup of sperm every day before breakfast or you might mistake your queasiness for morning sickness. Explanation…

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#13

Posted on September 20, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant from a cucumber*. — It doesn’t matter if you eat the cucumber, mash the cucumber up and give yourself a facial, or have really hot sex with the cucumber – vegetables can not get you pregnant. Explanation for why you can not get pregnant with a cucumber: Cucumbers don’t have…

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#12

Posted on September 14, 2009September 20, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by sitting on a toilet that happens to have a condom in it. — You can not even get pregnant by sitting on a condom directly. If there is semen inside the condom it is inside the condom, and even if some happens to be on the outside the odds…

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#11

Posted on September 6, 2009August 6, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if someone pees in your mouth. — I really hope this isn’t what my mother was thinking about when she used to call me a “potty mouth” Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by imbibing filtered water straight from the pump: Urine doesn’t have sperm in it. Without…

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In case you were wondering…

Posted on August 29, 2009August 29, 2009 by Elizabeth

Almost every post on this website is taken directly from a real question from a real young woman who is terrified that she might have become pregnant… and that her life might be over. It’s easy to laugh at the thought that anyone could honestly believe that something like getting sperm on your jeans could…

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#10

Posted on August 26, 2009August 6, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant from taking a shower with a man. — Taking a bath, or a shower, together is quite literally “Good, Clean Fun.” Having sex in the shower or bath, however, is another thing entirely… Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by going scrub a dub dub with a man…

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Disclaimer

This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

I Am Not A Pregnancy Test

Therefore, I will no longer be answering personal "am I pregnant?" questions on this site.

If you post your questions, I may still use them as a resource for posts, but this was always intended as a humor and educational site and not an advice site, so I will no longer be offering personal reassurance.

That having been said, one last piece of advice: If you think you might be pregnant, the best way to find out is to wait until you miss your period and take a pregnancy test.

Alternatively, if you've had vaginal intercourse without contraception in the past 72 hours, you can explore emergency contraception to try and interrupt the possibility of pregnancy. However, if you haven't had vaginal intercourse, you are unlikely to be pregnant. It's not completely impossible, but it's extremely unlikely.

Before you start having sex, or thinking about having sex, I highly recommend reading a copy of "our bodies, ourselves" or a similar book about your body so that you understand how sex and pregnancy work, and all the possible risks. If you don't know how sex can affect your body, you shouldn't be fooling around with it. Tell your boyfriends and your mothers that too

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#69: You can not get pregnant doing a sixty-nine.

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