#69: You can not get pregnant doing a sixty-nine.

#24

Posted on November 11th, 2010 by Elizabeth

If a man has ejaculated on the floor of a shower, and then you go take a shower and sit on the floor, you’re not going to get pregnant.

Drains are not the Super Sekrit entrance to your vagina. When the semen slowly swirls down the pipes into the sewer system, it does not do a whole chutes and ladders thing to come back and fertilize you later.

Semen that has gone down the shower drain also doesn’t grow up into giant sperm that haunt the sewers and later attack by climbing up through the toilet. That only happens with alligators.



Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by sitting on a shower floor where semen once was:

In order to think there was some possibility of pregnancy from sitting down in the shower, you’d have to assume that the semen was still sitting on the floor and hadn’t been washed down the drain.

Then you’d have to assume that the sperm hadn’t been killed by exposure to soap and other things that sperm don’t generally do all that well in.

THEN you’d have to figure out some way for them to climb up into the potential space that is your vagina – which is not actually a gaping hole waiting to vacuum up any potential sources of impregnation – and from there through your cervix to where an egg happened to be waiting to be fertilized.

It’s really not worth worrying your pretty, clean little head about. There are many nasty things that can live on a shower floor, but they’re not going to leave you carrying any new lifeform that isn’t microscopic.

Dear Readers

Posted on August 11th, 2010 by Elizabeth

I am not a pregnancy test.

Therefore, I will no longer be answering personal “am I pregnant?” questions.

I may still use them as a resource for topics for articles on this site, but this was always intended as a humor and educational site and not an advice site.

That having been said, one last piece of advice:

If you think you might be pregnant, the best way to find out is to wait until you miss your period and take a pregnancy test. Alternatively, if you’ve had sex without contraception in the past 72 hours, you can explore emergency contraception to try and interrupt the possibility of pregnancy. However, if you haven’t had vaginal intercourse, you are unlikely to be pregnant. It’s not completely impossible, but it’s extremely unlikely.

Before you start having sex, or thinking about having sex, I highly recommend buying a copy of “our bodies, ourselves” or a similar book about your body so that you understand how sex and pregnancy work, and all the possible risks. If you don’t know how sex can affect your body, you shouldn’t be fooling around with it.

#23

Posted on August 9th, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant from petting a dog that may or may not have had the misfortune of lying in a bed covered with your brother’s ejaculate*.

You also can not get pregnant petting a cat that may have been covered in semen… or a gerbil… or a fish.

Even if you go to the bathroom and wipe yourself afterward while you’re still covered in fish scales.

Even if by “pet” you mean that the animal in question curled up between your legs while you were lying there naked and you rubbed yourself all over it.

Um.

That was not your mother’s LOLcat



Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant by petting your pussy

Sperm has to be alive to get you pregnant. Furthermore, it has to get inside your vagina, up through your cervix, and have a party with an egg.

If a dog or cat was soaked in enough semen to get your hand wet, you’d still have to shove it up inside your body and get really unlucky – you’re not going to get pregnant just by sperm touching your skin

That having been said, I can only hope that if your pet was covered with a strange slimy substance when you were petting it, you’d wash your hands before sticking your fingers inside your vagina. God knows I would. Semen would be the least of my worries.

*Yes. Someone asked. You can see the comment here

#22

Posted on July 11th, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if you are wearing underwear and a sanitary napkin, your boyfriend is wearing underwear, and you rub up against each other until he comes in an explosion of unbridled desire.

The presence or absence of a bra has no effect on the probability of a pregnancy… unless it’s a really GOOD bra. As anyone who has worn one has certainly learned, a really good bra can have disinhibiting effects on a woman’s sense of self restraint. Proper support and a nice bit of uplift, combined with some really sexy lace, have been known to make some women feel so fabulous about themselves that they start picking up men on the street corners and having impromptu, unprotected sex. Having a good boob day is a truly dangerous thing… almost as effective for acquiring new sex partners as pink satin bunny ears.




Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant when well padded

Sperm need to get up through your cervix if you’re going to get pregnant. There is no conceivable way that the little swimmers are going to be able to climb through two layers of cloth and a sanitary napkin. Sperm don’t carry shovels… or ladders. They have neither backpacks nor hands.

#21

Posted on June 30th, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if a man sticks his tongue inside you… unless he then follows it with his penis.

I feel a strange need to make certain that none of my readers here are planning on having sex with zombies. Sex with zombies can be hazardous for your health, and under no circumstances should you allow one to store body parts inside your vagina – tongue, penis, kidneys, colon…. nothing

Although storing a zombie’s body parts in your vagina can not make you pregnant, doing so could lead to:

a) All sorts of strange smells.
b) Weird inside-out zombie transformation.
c) False sensations of pregnancy as they continue to move around inside you looking for a comfortable home.

When a zombie approaches you for a romantic date, just say no, then go, and tell someone you trust that the hordes are on their way and it’s time to go for the fire ax.




Explanation for an enthusiastic session of oral pleasuring will not leave you with a bun in the oven

Mouths do not contain sperm. Therefore, no amount of having a man stick his tongue inside you will cause sperm to end up in your body. Without the joyous chemical reactions that occur when sperm meets egg, somewhat akin to the scientific alchemy that turns dry and wet ingredients into a loaf of bread, there can be no baby. Putting something in your vagina does not make you pregnant. Sperm meeting egg and implanting in your uterus is what makes you pregnant… and for that you need semen.

#20

Posted on June 25th, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by setting your clothing on fire.


In fact, have no idea why someone might think you could get pregnant this way. Maybe they’d been watching too much science fiction and were imagining semen infested smoke curling up from a young man’s soiled pants and entering the womb of his lover?

Hmm… if I sold that plot to the right hentai director I bet I could make millions!



Explanation for why I’m bringing this up

Someone asked me if it was possible to get pregnant by pants burning. I suspect they mean dry humping, which we’ve already covered, but I am not completely certain. I suppose someone could think that “hot” sex involves fire…

#19

Posted on June 18th, 2010 by Elizabeth

If you give someone a blow job, make out with him, and then he goes down on you… it will not make you pregnant.

I suppose that if you held the semen in your mouth, passed it to his mouth, and then he tried to spit it up into you like a whale shooting water from its blowhole, there might be some chance, but…. you’d really have to work at it.




Explanation for why you can not get pregnant from a chain of oral exchange:

If a guy comes in your mouth, which has its own risks, you will most likely swallow the semen or spit it out. Then, when you kiss him, most of it will be gone already. When he goes down on you, he will have presumably swallowed at least once. There’s not going to be living sperm in his mouth to get inside of you. Even if you passed your semen to his mouth and he swallowed it you’d be fine.

#18

Posted on February 16th, 2010 by Jessica

You can not get pregnant by dry humping through clothes.

-

In order for sperm to get anywhere they need moisture and really quite a bit of it. So, is it conceivable that a sperm could make it through four layers of cloth, the folds of the vulva, the vagina, uterus, and fallopian tube to fertilize an egg (presuming there is an egg there to be fertilized)? No.

Two layers of cloth? No.

One layer soaked through because y’all have been having a grand time? Possibly. But it’s extremely unlikely.

What you’re also not going to have happen with clothes-on humping is you’re not going to transmit any of the STI’s that can go from skin to skin. Check out the rest of the site and The Talk for more information on the kinds of STI’s and how they can be transmitted.

Be well, and have fun!

-


In answer to the question: can you get pregnant if you dry hump your partner and have layers of clothing in between the genitals?


Dry humping (also: frottage) is hot, sexy, super safe fun!



#17

Posted on January 20th, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by making out and rolling around on the floor.


Kissing can cause numerous health problems – the common cold, chapped lips, swine flu, herpes – but there is no way that it can put a bun in your oven. The only buns that get in your body via your mouth are the ones that you chew and swallow.

As for rolling around on the floor… unless that’s a euphemism for “having sex,” you should be fine. Just watch out for splinters and stray penises that are trying to penetrate your inner fortress (by which I mean your vagina.)



Explanation for why you can not get pregnant from a really hot make out session:

Making out may be sexual, it may even be “sex” by some people’s definition, but it does not cause sperm to get anywhere near an egg.

#16

Posted on January 7th, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if a guy eats you out.


Unless, perhaps, he ejaculated, took the semen into his mouth, and then spit it into your vagina like a trained seal.

Therefore, if you see a guy drinking his own semen and then spitting it out in a fountain across the room you should strongly consider whether or not you really want to have oral sex with him.

Of course, if you were practicing safe oral sex, this wouldn’t matter, since it would just hit the barrier, bounce, and he could swallow it himself. I don’t know that I’d want to have sex with anyone who practices being a sperm seal in his spare time, but your mileage may vary.


Explanation for why you can not get pregnant by being orally pleasured by a person of either gender:

People’s mouths do not contain sperm. Without sperm, there cannot be pregnancy.


In fact, there is no fluid that comes out of man that can get you pregnant except for his semen. There is no fluid that comes out of a woman that can get you pregnant at all.

  • Denise: Thanks because I googled this until I made myself ...
  • Elizabeth: This is not something you need to worry about....
  • Denise: Dear Elizabeth, I do not know if you still re...
  • Elizabeth: Yes. You had sex with your boyfriend. That is a wa...
  • janet: i had sex with my boyfriend then i licked his peni...

Disclaimer:

This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

Powered by WordPress

Blossom Theme by RoseCityGardens.com