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101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant

And One Or Two Ways You Actually Can

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Author: Elizabeth

#8

Posted on August 6, 2009August 6, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by getting sperm on your jeans. — Even if those jeans are so tight that elderly women can tell from three blocks away that you’re not wearing underwear. What you actually need to be worried about is getting sperm in your genes… Explanation for why you can not get pregnant…

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#7

Posted on July 22, 2009July 22, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant by swimming in a pool where a man has recently ejaculated. — It doesn’t matter how big (or small) the pool is. It doesn’t matter if you’re naked. It doesn’t matter if he ejaculates while swimming right next to you holding you in a fond embrace. The only way you…

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#6

Posted on June 16, 2009February 19, 2010 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if, when fooling around with your boyfriend you touch a wet spot on his jeans (that might be semen… or vaginal secretions… or spilled cola…) and then go to the bathroom and use that hand to hold the toilet paper that you wipe yourself with. — For that matter, you…

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#5

Posted on April 30, 2009May 14, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant from sitting on sperm. — You can not catch sperm from a chair. You can not catch it from a stair. Unless you sit upon a man* there won’t be sperm inside your can.** Explanation for why you can’t get pregnant from sitting on sperm – and a big thank…

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Just a thought…

Posted on April 12, 2009August 6, 2009 by Elizabeth

If you don’t have enough time or money to buy condoms so that you can avoid an unplanned pregnancy, then you really don’t have enough time or money to have a child.  Actions have consequences, and there is always another night. If you really want to be intimate with someone and you don’t have the…

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#4

Posted on March 11, 2009March 11, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can’t get pregnant if your boyfriend cleans himself up with a tissue after he ejaculates, you pick up that tissue to throw it away, and a few hours later you go to the bathroom and wipe yourself. Not even if, in all that time, you haven’t washed your hands. — For gods sake, though,…

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#3

Posted on March 9, 2009May 14, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant from a “facial”* — *A “facial”, in this context, is when a man ejaculates on his partner’s face. That having been said, cucumber salt scrub is also incapable of making a woman pregnant. Plus, you shouldn’t eat it on your salad, no matter how good it smells. Live and learn….

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#2

Posted on March 7, 2009March 11, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat. — … unless there is a man underneath you on that toilet seat and you are having sex with him – vaginal intercourse, to be precise, where there are no condoms or other forms of birth control in use. Personally, I think there are…

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#1

Posted on March 4, 2009November 5, 2009 by Elizabeth

You can not get pregnant if your partner has been using a condom correctly, it doesn’t break, and you’re on the pill. — The sheer impossibility of it is kind of fun to picture. Imagine, if you will, a bunch of sperm banging their fists on the glass window of a really hip (get it?)…

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Who We Are

Posted on March 2, 2009March 11, 2009 by Elizabeth

101 Ways You Can’t Get Pregnant is the brainchild of two sex educators – Elizabeth Boskey and Jessica Mesick – who wanted to find a humorous way to address the questions they get every day.  In a few days, after we get up and rolling, we’re going to be sharing with you all the ways…

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Disclaimer

This is a humor site, and, although it is educational, it is not intended to replace the advice of a medical professional. Remember, sex has risks. One such risk is pregnancy, another is becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. You should thoroughly educate yourself about the possible consequences of having sex before you go out and jump anyone. Remember, no form of contraception is completely foolproof. The only way to be absolutely certain you will not get pregnant is to abstain from vaginal sex... and artificial insemination... and in vitro fertilization... and you get the drift!

I Am Not A Pregnancy Test

Therefore, I will no longer be answering personal "am I pregnant?" questions on this site.

If you post your questions, I may still use them as a resource for posts, but this was always intended as a humor and educational site and not an advice site, so I will no longer be offering personal reassurance.

That having been said, one last piece of advice: If you think you might be pregnant, the best way to find out is to wait until you miss your period and take a pregnancy test.

Alternatively, if you've had vaginal intercourse without contraception in the past 72 hours, you can explore emergency contraception to try and interrupt the possibility of pregnancy. However, if you haven't had vaginal intercourse, you are unlikely to be pregnant. It's not completely impossible, but it's extremely unlikely.

Before you start having sex, or thinking about having sex, I highly recommend reading a copy of "our bodies, ourselves" or a similar book about your body so that you understand how sex and pregnancy work, and all the possible risks. If you don't know how sex can affect your body, you shouldn't be fooling around with it. Tell your boyfriends and your mothers that too

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#69: You can not get pregnant doing a sixty-nine.

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